December 2010
66 posts
even i can’t save me from myself, what makes you think you can? (someone save me please, before it’s all too late, i can’t control my thoughts these days)
it would be so much easier to get over my mental illness if i had someone else’s hands holding my own
we will never make another memory
i just want to be safe
if you love me, let me know if you don’t, let me go
my heart is twisted into knots, words are bubbling from my throat and threatening to fall, tears are trapped beneath my eyes and threatening to erupt, yet i just keep suppressing, holding everything in, swallowing everything back into this shell, my emotions tethering at the brim, i can feel my seams unravelling at certain edges, but i remain silent, waiting for you to see that something’s...
i used to be able to tell you everything, and you used to be able to tell me everything
we used to laugh together all the time, tears streaking down our faces, the sides of our stomachs in stitches
i was your world, and you, mine
now all that stands between us is static
just going to keep suppressing my true feelings, i will smile instead and it will be believable, i’ve perfected my act, i’ve practiced a trillion times in front of a mirror, i will fool you and all the others
and soon, with time, i will fool myself into believing that everything is fucking fine
i know a lot of people who are unhappy because of love, because they’re too afraid to go out and get it, they’re too afraid of the possible rejection, of the possible humiliation, so much so that they ignore the possibility of, “yes, yes, yes, yes!” i believe, very much so, in taking risks for people, in being an idiot for people, in pushing aside all my fears and being...
my heart turned cold the night you yelled at me, telling me that i was unreasonable, possessive and controlling
i never spoke a word after that, my heart froze over, my words can’t get out
you’ve silenced me, you’ve silenced me, you’ve silenced me
i’m going to introduce to all of y’all, the most amazing man in the whole world, possibly even expanding ‘til the milky way, who is, obviously, my stepfather
lemme emphasize on the stepfather, that he is not my biological father, that, to be factual, i am not his family, neither am i his daughter, his blood does not run through mine, we have no ties, we are not connected in any...
i think i might have made a mistake
i should have fought for you, instead of letting you slip from my grasp without a single word, without a single plead, without a single apology
we could have been gold
oh, what i wouldn’t do, to relive the days of february and march
i miss you so, i must admit, and there does not goes a day when i do not weep over your dying ghosts
“what did i ever do to deserve you?”
“you loved me.”
“that’s it?”
“that’s everything.”
i can’t think of anybody else who i hate to miss as much as i hate missing you
now, lemme tell ya, 2010 hasn’t exactly been a bed of roses. mostly a bed of thorns, adding new scars on my already scar-ridden body, some tangible and most intangible, some healed and most still hurting like a leech that refuses to go away, and tons of new experiences, opportunities and chances. i’ve made a huge leap from the first of january two thousand and ten to the thirty-first...
i am envious of the people who get to see you every day, while i have to wait ever so impatiently for the day when you finally make some time for me
sometimes i get so consumed by my envy that i stop being myself
“why don’t you talk to me anymore?”
glad you’ve noticed, and by the way, there are so many times you can leave a girl hanging before she gives up on you completely
i’ve always had a strange attraction to love, i’ve always craved for it, dreamt of it, wished for it, prayed for it, and wrote soliloquies after soliloquies about it, elucidating every details, playing out every scene in my mind, relishing it, my heart aching for my imagination to spring into reality. i never stopped chasing it, even after i was molested, even after i was cheated on...
this, too, shall pass. there is a light that never goes out even when the stealthy darkness envelopes your soul with a fervor, and it is up to you to keep your eyes on it instead of giving up and letting yourself be swallowed whole. because no matter how bad the circumstances are, there is always a solution, it will come to an end, there is still hope, all you have to do is believe.
the more i asked, the less i knew
suppressing my tears as my heart slowly breaks
we are so fragile right now, i could break us into pieces with a single touch, torch us down to ashes with a single breath
“you’re my #1 girl :)”
but i don’t want to be your #1 girl, i want to be your only girl, the only one you’ll ever need, the only one you’ll ever kiss, the only one you’ll ever embrace so close and tight, the only one you’ll ever just fucking really love. okay? is that okay? because that’s what I really want. for my presence to be completely indispensable to you. i want...
you have a lot of nerves, coming back here after fucking up that last chance, do you really think i’d just hand over my heart on a platter to you again just because you are pleading for another chance? i’m no fool, love, i’m no fool, i’m no fool, i’m no fool
Every night I sit on this pink plastic chair that my parents bought from Ikea with my hair tied up in its usual ponytail with the usual black elastic band in my usual cross-legged position, and with a pen or a pencil in my right hand, I scrawl letters after letters for you
until, with every letter, word, sentence, paragraph that I form, I realize that I will never receive a reply back from you,...
go on, feed me with your lies. i’ll breathe them in and house them in glass jars, so i can listen to them over and over again, until they pound into my skull, disconcert my brain, eat into my heart, chip away at my soul
it has nothing to do with what you say or do, darling. absolutely nothing at all. it has everything to do with how you make me feel when you say what you say, when you do what you do. and sometimes, it’s the silence that kills me first.
please, won’t you open up and just let me in?
because sometimes all i want to do is pack up and leave everyone behind for once, instead of being the one being left behind. because sometimes all i want to do is furl up into a ball and just cry all night long, raw and jagged tears, until there are no more tears. because sometimes all i want to do is be able to breathe and feel whole, instead of this incomplete self. because sometimes,...
when you tell me that you love me, the only thought that goes through my head is: “you don’t know what you are saying”
“i just feel so numb,” she mumbles before her head falls on my shoulders, her black hair tumbling down and tickling my ribs. i feel her tears sinking through the fabric of my clothes and wetting my skin.
“will i ever fall back into place?”
“some day.”
as cynical as i am, i believe in us. because no matter what happens, no matter what hurricane comes ripping through us, tearing us apart, we always join our hands together again, clambering for each other through the ruins rushing past us. and we always emerge stronger, closer and so much more determined to stay together come what may
i can’t bring myself to read anymore. no, no - my love for reading didn’t vanquish. it’s just that - i have no idea how to say this without sounding like an unappreciative spoilt brat - all the stories always end on a happy note. everything works out in the end, no matter how huge the kink, and everyone gets their happy ending! it makes me feel so pathetic and angry. it makes me want to shrink in...
you met me in january, the first month of the new year, when i was still ill and nauseous, and you fell in love with me, silently and arduously, but strongly and tenaciously, and you never spoke a word, watching me from afar with sad and longing eyes, until the day our diverged paths melded into one and i first said hello, with no knowledge of your feelings, and you said hello back, heart pounding...
dear x,
when you place your palm on my head when i place my left cheek against your right shoulder and you gently stroke through my hair, it gives me the shivers in the deepest of crannies and nooks. you electrocute my nerves, electrify my soul, set me alight with a single touch.
love, y.
“i love you”
“but i am only a shadow of my own self”
“i don’t care”
“is it really possible to love a shadow?”